I Hate Trying to Lose Weight.

Trying to lose weight is seriously the worst.  As one of many women in the US, I have always struggled with my weight. My friends were/are so little and cute, and I am the towering large woman bopping along behind. So much fun being the fat friend. I always struggled to lose weight,

Early Struggles

Early on, I was picked on a lot for being bigger. Once my teacher made me and a mean boy sit in the hall because he called me fat and made fun of me. Christian schools make you talk it out alone in the hallway together… the one time you were alone with the opposite sex – when both of you hate each other so nothing could possibly happen. 

That was the moment I think I decided to be a sassy child. He told me the fact we were out there wasn’t going to change anything. I can still see his little face, and feel the tears welling up, when I decided screw it. Fourth grade version of screw it. Looking back, I don’t remember what I said, but it was along the lines of “Welp, you’re going to suck either way, so I don’t care.” Left him standing alone in the hall, too hurt to look back, annoyed but not wanting to get punished for clobbering him. When we transferred out of the small Christian school into public school, I was overjoyed – isn’t it sad that PUBLIC school is nicer than Christian School?? Apparently they need some more Jesus. 

So it continued…

I remember trying to lose weight in a million ways. Atkins, calorie counting, Weight Watchers, etc. My sister did crazy stuff that made her weak, but yeah, she lost the weight. For me, the most effective diet was college – walking uphill LITERALLY both ways. Walking to each class and staying active with a friend was easy. I didn’t gain the freshman fifteen, I lost it! It was amazing.

After college, I gained a lot more weight, stress, depression, and blah reasons for gaining weight. Seriously, do you really care why?! I don’t – I just kept gaining weight, did nothing, got more depressed, whatever.

Eventually, I came to like my body a little more. I found men that loved how I looked, and showered me with compliments and I liked it. But I realized… that is not what happy is. I am tired of not being 100% happy.

Lose Weight in the 18

Lose weight – an amazing goal… but in order for me to be successful, it couldn’t be just trying to lose weight. It had to be more. So for 2018, I started a new lifestyle, and 23 days in, I am going strong. Down 6 lbs so far this month, cut pop to just drinking water, eating healthy whole foods, and following the new Weight Watchers. Wanting to lose weight and be healthy are my two goals.

I tried keto, and I did well for the first two weeks – then I realized I would NEVER stick with it long-term. Do you know how hard it is to not eat bread when you are not a GF person?  The resolve of the people who stay away from gluten is admirable.  If I was going to stick with something, it had to be a lifestyle change, so I switched to healthy, natural foods. The freedom of Weight Watchers helps me, and makes me feel free to live. Already I feel happier, more capable. I feel in control, and ready to take on other challenges. One is going to be this blog.

I never wanted to talk about my weight on my blog. Talking about my weight meant that others would read my stories, and factor my weight into them. I decided to no longer filter this blog. My posts are going to be about my break ups, trying to lose weight, and anything else that feels good. Trying to hide who I am feels like a sham, and I am over it. We all experience wins and loses, why not share them all? So, here I am and here we go.

 

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